Making my own choices and knowing I would need to live through the consequences of them all. Never in my world would I have regret…so I thought.
Yet, how do you push through when the ones who betrayed you were the ones you brought into your family circle? Many years trusting that the respect the truth and ensuring their happiness’ would bring them into a world they never knew before. Certain they will always be safe in my arms in my heart. Believing the connection of being there for them was as real to them as it was for me.
Nonetheless now all I have are the recurring visions of what has happened, continuously repeating. Breaking me down to my bitter core unlike anything felt previously. A rapid roller coaster ride with so many highs and lows it’s sickening. Years ensuring they’re safety not once realizing that I needed to protect my own.
Seeing their faces hearing their voices makes me question; “How foolish I must be to open myself so unselfishly”. Creating an unconditional bond that only I must feel, right? Anyone who has ever found such a love understands the depths of its meaning and its control over you. Betrayal is a burning soul, a broken heart, and a mind left so chaotic. An apology cannot fix or replace this pain.
No interrogation needed; all the evidence is right in front of my face. There is no preparation for such treachery. Only a heavy weight of a burden I could not foresee. So hard to breathe there is no part of my being that is untouched by this reality. Here I am scorched, awaiting my personal link to creativity to help me through this. Day by day I wait to feel less of the darkness, and more of who I truly am.
Close these doors that have opened to a soul that has been broken.
The devilish betrayal that I am left fighting with the words they have spoken.
Burdens continuously grab me into this wretched room with no face.
Trusting creativity to bring me back; from this unbearable place.